Autistic Enough

A few days ago, someone approached me with concern: "I have this friend of a friend who I think is absolutely amazing, and I'd really like to get to know him myself. We've hung out and had conversations, and I always feel like it went well, but whenever we talk about doing something together, he says he's interested but then ignores any efforts I make to schedule the activity. He's autistic and I don't want to distance him based on a misread of his intentions, but I also don't want to annoy him if he's not interested. How do I know whether he's disinterested, or just not communicating in a way that I'm understanding?" It occurred to me that this is probably a question others have had about me -- likely on multiple occasions -- so I want to share my response with all of you.  First, a general disclaimer: autistics aren't all alike, we don't all feel the same way and communicate the same way. I try to keep my posts as general and repr...

If you don't know what "Spoon Theory" is, you've probably at least seen it mentioned -- maybe someone saying "I don't have enough spoons to do this right now," or "If you have the spoons, could you help me understand?" Without context, it sounds like nonsense, but if you look to the original source , it's an incredibly powerful piece of writing, and a brilliant way to explain disability to able-bodied individuals. "Spoon Theory" originated as a way to explain chronic illness: when the author's friend asked her what it was like to live with Lupus, the author (Christine Miserandino) handed her 12 spoons. Miserandino then said that every task that day would cost one spoon, and asked her friend to decide how to spend her spoons that day. They walked through this hypothetical day, making decisions about how spoons would be spent. Sometimes, the friend had to be reminded of tasks that were so easy easy that she usually didn't e...

I'm wandering a little off-topic for a quick post about something that's been on my mind recently, as I work to identify better strategies to manage executive dysfunction. Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with ADHD -- very common among autistics, and with many overlapping symptoms. I honestly don't know how much this post will resonate for people who are autistic without ADHD, but I'm hoping it will help some of you. I want to start with a super-oversimplified explanation of one mechanism of ADHD: ADHD is, in part, a result of a muted reward response in the brain. Our brains give us "reward" signals for most things that we do -- eating, talking to a friend, day-to-day accomplishments, scrolling through social media... If you feel engaged, there's a good chance your brain is giving you a reward response to whatever you're up to. When you don't get enough reward response, your brain keeps seeking more reward sources, which is why people with ADHD m...

How many autistic characters have you seen in the media? A character on a favorite TV show, or from a movie? How often is the whole show then about autism, rather than a show that just happens to have an autistic character or two? One thing I've noticed in autism groups and forums is enthusiastic discussion of television/movie characters who, while not  officially  autistic, seem like excellent representations of the autistic experience. And while I acknowledge that we can't  really  know if someone is autistic without a comprehensive evaluation, the popular enjoyment of armchair diagnosis raises some really interesting questions: If these characters (who are entertaining and well-loved by autistic and neurotypical viewers alike) seem to fit the criteria for autism diagnosis, why isn't the media more full of canonically autistic characters? Why do we only get an "official" acknowledgment of autism when the character is a white male savant with the most stereotyp...

I want to talk for a moment about something that I think even the autism community is still starting to explore: the difference between stimming, and sensory sensitivity. Stimming   is a self-stimulatory behavior, performed in order to create a desired sensation. Sensory Sensitivity   is a heightened response to sensory input in the environment. Often, if a sensory sensitivity creates unpleasant feedback, we may perform an action in an attempt to alleviate the effects. This action may resemble a stim, but has the purpose of stopping a negative sensation, rather than creating a positive one. Let's start with some examples: Julie, age 15, is constantly touching, rubbing at, or picking at her face. Her rubbing will sometimes cause sores, and her picking will turn minor acne into open wounds. Her mother has tried to help her to redirect to a stim that won't hurt her; she worries that Julie will get infections in the wounds, and doesn't want her child to be i...

What if I'm not REALLY autistic? What if I'm just f***ed up, a failure, and I'm claiming the title "autistic" so that I can avoid facing that?? What if people only believe I'm autistic because I'm convincing them that I am??? These questions have been some of the hardest I've faced, and they're questions that are common among late-diagnosed and/or self-diagnosed autistics. People who are late-diagnosed with autism often express challenges feeling like a part of the autism community, which can cause quite a lot of distress. Often, the root of that anxiety is wondering whether we really are autistic. This worry can come from many sources, but some are particularly common: Family members and friends often question or dismiss the diagnosis.  Autism is still largely misunderstood, and shrouded in stigma. Sometimes, family members and friends respond in a way that they think is reassuring, but which is instead deeply invalidating. "You ...

Today, I sat down to write about relationship conflicts in autism, and I realized that there was a topic I had to address before even considering tackling social challenges: empathy. I can't emphasize enough how misunderstood the experience of empathy in autism spectrum conditions has become. Let's start by making one thing very clear: People with autism can experience empathy. I'll say it again.  Autism does not equal a lack of empathy.  If you're not sure you understood me, go back a few sentences and repeat until you're confident you understand. Seriously. This isn't meant to be rude or harsh; it's just the most important lesson someone looking to become informed about autism can learn. And, sadly, even many clinicians don't seem to have been clued in yet. I'm not the only one who's been told by a doctor or psychologist, "You can't be on the spectrum, you seem to care about people!" I have friends who've sat thr...

Before I say a word on this topic, I want to specify that I do not speak for everyone on the spectrum. These are my personal perspectives, and while I hope that they'll provide insight for some, they're not intended to represent the views of anyone but myself. Within the autism community -- as anywhere else -- I've seen a lot of polarized views on religion. When the topic comes up, there are more than enough comments condemning anyone willing to believe something unproven by logic; I've even seen comments stating that you can't be religious if you're "really autistic," because apparently the autistic preference for logic precludes the possibility of any of us ever believing in or engaging with anything unproven. At the other extreme, for some, religion can become a special interest. The latter was my experience, which had both pros and cons -- largely depending on how I approached it. I'd like to speak a little to the experience of religion on th...

Autism is a rare field where -- at least within the autism community -- there's a general acceptance of self-diagnosis. I want to address why that is, and what it means for you or those you care about who choose to self diagnose. I want to start by saying: "Autistic" isn't a label that people give themselves for fun, or for perks. It doesn't help you get a job, no one sends you flowers, and unfortunately it comes with a lot of stigma and misunderstanding. Many autistic adults choose not to disclose their diagnosis to colleagues or family members because of the challenges that would follow, and some autistic adults will even turn down funding awards because having their name associated with the award might "out" them to family or colleagues who are less than accepting. If you know someone with autism who is open about it, this is a good moment to pause and appreciate the courage it takes to tell the world something about yourself that you know can be us...